You have an idea. A part-time job at the nursery, maybe, or selling the house, or finally taking that trip to Portugal on your own. Before you’ve even finished thinking it, you’ve texted your sister.
Then you mention it to your husband. Then your best friend. Then it comes up at book club.
By the end of the week you’ve heard 6 opinions, and none of them were yours.
I call this asking for a vote. Almost every woman I coach does it, and most of us learned it for good reasons. For years, your choices really did change things for everyone. A new job meant new pickups. A trip meant someone else cooking. Checking in was considerate.
Somewhere along the way, checking in turned into asking permission.
Why the vote rarely helps
The people you ask love you, and that’s the trouble. They’re answering a different question from the one you asked. You want to know if this is right for you. They’re working out how it will change things for them, or whether they’d do it themselves.
Those are fair questions for them to have. They just can’t decide yours.
Decide first, then tell
Try reversing the order. Before you mention the idea to anyone, spend a week with it on your own. Write down:
- What you want, and why, in a sentence or two.
- What it would cost in money and time, and who it affects.
- What you’d do if everyone you love said no.
The last one matters most. If you’d still want to do it, you already have your answer. What you need from people now is support, and that’s a different conversation.
Ask a better question
When you do bring people in, ask for something specific. Swap “What do you think?” for “I’ve decided to do this. What would help me stick with it?” Or “Is there anything practical I haven’t thought of?”
Those questions get you real help, and the decision stays with you.
What Mara did
Mara, an insurance claims adjuster, wanted to retrain as a dog groomer. She’d raised it with her sister 4 times in 2 years. Each time her sister said it sounded risky, and each time Mara let it drop.
In our third session she wrote her sentence, worked out the cost, and answered the last question. She’d do it anyway. So she told her sister it was happening and asked her to come along to the open day at the grooming school. Her sister went, and asked more questions than Mara did.
Mara starts her course in the spring. She put it best herself: she stopped asking her sister for permission to change her own life.
Some people will still have opinions
That’s fine. You can listen, thank them and keep your decision. You don’t owe anyone a debate about your own life.
If you’d like to practice on paper first, questions 7 to 9 in the free Crossroads Workbook are all about other people’s votes. Question 7 is the one most women circle.
